How to Start Writing Your Memoir When You Don’t Know Where to Begin

Start with a moment, not with your birth

Many people sit down to write a memoir and begin, quite reasonably, at the beginning: where and when they were born. A page later they are listing relatives, and the story has not started yet.

Try beginning with a single moment instead. Choose a scene you can see clearly: a kitchen, a journey, a conversation, a day when something changed. Write what you saw, heard, and felt. A vivid scene gives you energy, and it often turns out to be closer to the heart of your book than a list of dates.

You can always decide later where the book should really begin. Most writers move their opening at least once.

Decide who you are writing for

A memoir written for your grandchildren is a different book from one written for strangers in a bookstore. Both are worthwhile, but they ask different things of you.

• Writing for family means you can include names, family jokes, and details that matter to the people who know you. Completeness is often part of the value.
• Writing for a wider readership means choosing what a stranger needs to know, leaving out what they do not, and giving the story a clear shape.

Settling this early saves a lot of rewriting. If you are unsure, start by writing for one person you love. It keeps the voice warm and honest.

Make a list of the stories you keep telling

Every family has the stories that come out at holidays and reunions: the move across the country, the business that nearly failed, the wedding where everything went wrong. Write a list of the ones you tell, and the ones other people ask you to tell.

Do not write the stories yet. Just list them, one line each. Then add the stories you have never told anyone, if you are willing to consider them. This list becomes your raw material.

Look for the thread

Once you have twenty or thirty stories listed, read them through and ask what connects them. A memoir is not every event in a life; it is a selection of moments that together say something.

The thread might be a place, a relationship, a lesson you learned slowly, or a question you are still asking. When you find it, you will notice that some stories belong in the book and others, however good, do not.

A memoir is not the story of a life. It is the story of something a life has taught.

Give yourself permission to write badly

First drafts are meant to be messy. Write in short sessions, perhaps twenty minutes, and do not reread yesterday’s pages until you have a few chapters. Polishing too early is one of the most common reasons memoirs stall.

If writing feels slow, try speaking instead. Record yourself telling a story as if to a friend, then type it up. Many people find their natural voice comes through more easily out loud.

Choose a shape that suits your story

Once you know your thread, you can choose how to organize the book. Three approaches cover most memoirs:

• In order of time. The story moves forward from year to year. It is the easiest shape for readers to follow and works well for family records.
• By theme. Each chapter explores one subject, such as work, faith, a place, or a relationship, gathering stories from different decades.
• With a frame. A present-day situation, such as a trip back to a childhood home, holds the memories together and gives the book a natural ending.

You do not need to decide straight away. Write a handful of stories first, then see which shape they suggest.

Set a routine you can keep

Memoirs are rarely written in great bursts. They are written in small, regular sessions. Choose a time and place you can return to, even if it is only twice a week, and keep a notebook nearby for the memories that arrive at inconvenient moments.

It helps to measure progress in stories rather than words. “This week I will write about the summer at the lake” is a goal you can picture, and finish.

Gather what will jog your memory

Photographs, letters, diaries, recipe cards, old maps, and certificates are all useful. So are conversations with brothers and sisters, cousins, and old friends, who often remember a different version of the same event.

Keep everything in one place, and note where each detail came from. When memories disagree, you can choose one version or write about the disagreement itself.

Be thoughtful about other people

Your story will include real people, and some of them may not want to appear in it. Think about how they will feel reading what you have written, and whether names or identifying details should be changed.

If your memoir touches on sensitive matters, such as family conflict or anything that could harm someone’s reputation, it is sensible to get legal advice before publishing.

When to ask for help

Some people write their whole memoir themselves. Others want help with structure, with editing, or with the writing itself. There is no right way.

It may be time to ask for help if you have plenty of stories but cannot see the shape of the book, if you have started several times and stopped, or if you would simply rather talk than type. A writer can interview you and draft the chapters for you to review, so the book still sounds like you.